I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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