I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
