I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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