Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
