Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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