I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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