just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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