we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
