your parents love me but you hate me
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize