no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
