I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
