Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
