he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
