So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
