Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
No stitches, just platelets and will power
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
