Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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