Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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