I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
