I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
