i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
