I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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