Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
