3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I puked a lego.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
