Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
