allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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