I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
