it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize