I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
