Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
