The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
