dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
