I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
