He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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