Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
