wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize