And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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