Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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