I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
