You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize