atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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