So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
