He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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