we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
