not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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