By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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