I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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