This is not my ceiling
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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