Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
