god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
