wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
