I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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