he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
