Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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