she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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