i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
