When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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