onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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