did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
